Epilogue: And now?

Back in February, right after we signed up for the marathon, I posted a blog entry on my other blog about the 10 reasons I'd decided to do a marathon.  So now that it's over, I thought it might be interesting to look back at my initial motivation and see how things turned out.

Why I did it:

1.  For my health

In the end, I didn't end up losing as much weight as I thought I would during training.  Actually, right at the end I even gained a handful of pounds.  And that's okay.  I think I finally realized that making sure I was getting enough fuel to get me through my runs was more important than the number on the scale.  Going into race day I still didn't feel much like an athlete or even like I was in great shape necessarily, and I think I really expected to go into it feeling like the lone overweight person among tens of thousands of veteran runners.  But I was wrong.  All along the route I was passing people who looked to be thin and fit and well trained and I was getting passed by people who were heavier than me.  I finished alongside a group of triathletes.  My fitness level can't be judged by the size I wear or how I look in my yoga pants, and while that's sometimes hard to believe when you're in the gym surrounded by thinner, more muscular people, it's very apparent out on the marathon course. 

2.  Because distance walking is both challenging and enjoyable

Somehow this turned into a quest to learn to run.  And that turned into a bit of a quest to find the same zen in running that I always got from walking.  And in the end I'm not sure any of that was part of the reason I kept going.  There were long, long stretches of the training runs and the marathon itself that were absolutely NOT enjoyable.  It gets miserable.  It gets really, really hard.  There comes a point where you can't turn your brain off and you can't think of anything else but putting one foot in front of the other and making it to the end.  But there's joy in that, too -- pushing through when it sucks and still making it to the end and realizing you did it and are still alive and kicking.

The weirdest thing I've realized in all this turns out to be that beyond it sometimes being a meditative activity, I'm actually kind of built for endurance events.  I may not be the fastest, but I made it through this whole crazy thing without really hurting myself and I've recovered pretty quickly.  It's kind of funny that after hating the idea of running my entire life, it turns out to be the one sport I'm cut out for.

3.  Because it's totally personal

My thought when I started this whole thing was that this would be something I did for myself, by myself. It wasn't about anyone else, and only I could push myself through training and get myself to the finish line. And that is absolutely true. But I didn't do it in a vacuum, and part of what made me keep going was the fact that so many people were rooting for me to finish.  Even the people cheering on the runners along the route were a big help, and I'm still really surprised at the enthusiasm of the people who were there to help and encourage.  It helped to read some of the really funny signs (like "toenails are overrated" and "way to go, total strangers!" and the one that said "because 26.3 miles would be totally crazy") and hear people yelling for us right up until the end.  All the people who came out and set up their own aid stations and had their garden hoses going to help us cool off, and even the people who had cookies and jello shots for the runners around mile 24 (I didn't partake, mostly because I didn't think my stomach would like it at that point, but it made me laugh).  Even the other runners pushing each other along (when I was really struggling to keep going, another runner came up next to me and said, "cheer up, it's not like they shoot us if we don't finish!").  I don't know why it surprised me to suddenly feel like I was part of this huge community who really, really wanted to help everyone get to the same goal, no matter how long it took, but it really was surprising.  I was amazed to see so many people stay out there on their lawns for seven hours waiting for the very last runner to go by.  And that's pretty damn cool.

4.  To prove that I'm able to carry through

And I did.  It wasn't perfect.  I didn't do every workout I should have.  I didn't push as hard as I could have every time.  I could be disappointed that my time was so much slower than I expected, and that technically I shouldn't have been allowed to finish at all.  I could be down on myself for slacking on my training when I shouldn't have.  But I'm not.  I trained.  I trained hard.  I finished.  And I got my medal.  I stuck it through to the end goal despite feeling many times that I'd screwed up and wouldn't be able to make it. 

5.  To prove I'm as capable as I like to think I am

This entire experience from starting to pre-train to crossing the finish line has been one long battle with my own confidence.  And what I finally realized somewhere around Chinatown was that the first time you do anything, no matter how well prepared you think you are, you're going to doubt that things will work out.  There is no certainty.  There aren't guarantees.  I spent 26.2 miles and eight months before that worried I wouldn't see that finish line.  And I realize that I've bailed out of lots of things because I wanted a guarantee that everything would work out in the end and wasn't willing to face the risk of failure.  There's a first time for every thing we do, and that first time is never guaranteed to work out.  And for a million reasons, not the least of which was that I knew other people were rooting for me to do this, I finally managed to just keep pushing forward to a goal even though there was a chance it wouldn't end the way I wanted it to. 

Beyond that, though, what I really feel personally proud of is that I proved that my body is capable of more than most people would give it credit for.  I went to the gym today, and I have to say I held my head a little bit higher than usual.  It's not that I suddenly feel more capable than others there.  I'm not more fit than anyone else.  Everyone else in the gym could train and complete a marathon if they wanted to, too.  But I did it!  No matter what people might assume when they see me, I'm a fucking marathoner! 

6.  Because it's reasonably huge

Yeah, it is kind of huge.  A half marathon would not, obviously, have been the same level of challenge.  I will say, now, that I kind of wish I'd done some smaller races during preparation for this one just so I had a better idea of how the whole race thing works and had more practice at pacing.  But otherwise, I'm glad I jumped right into the deep end.

7.  To practice following the wisdom and advice of others

Funny thing about this one... ask one question regarding running, and you'll get a zillion different answers.  I did end up at a point where I just had to stop reading running forums and articles and just go, "hey, it's working for me so far, so I'm going to go with it."  But I followed a training schedule and stuck with it and didn't try to make stuff up as I went along to avoid having to do things the conventional way.  I followed my trainer's advice unless I felt like it was hindering me more than helping me (when I do this again I will know to stop doing heavy lifting with my legs during training, no matter what Andrew thinks).  I followed the tried and true methods, and I know that's the reason I was able to finish.

8.  Because there doesn't have to be anything beyond the finish line

I think one of the first things I said when I found Brenda and Kourt after the race was over was, "That sucked.  That really sucked."  And for probably 15 minutes I was sure I never wanted to put myself through that ever again.  Every muscle from waist to ankle was on fire.  I was exhausted.  The bottoms of my feet were a little raw.  I was miserable.  And then I caught my breath and my legs stopped hurting so much, and I knew I wasn't done with marathoning.  I know I don't have to do it again, but I am kind of hooked.  In fact, now Kourt wants to start running with the goal of being marathon ready for Chicago 2013.  And I'm really excited about that.  And now that I've done it once and know what to expect from training and race day, I feel really kind of pumped to do it again without all the worry and uncertainty over whether I'm doing it right.  And it's not like it'll be hard to beat my time the next go around...  lol

9.  Because once I earn it, it's mine

Mine, bitch.  This medal is mine.

10.  Because failure isn't a catastrophic option

Yeah, it would have been okay if I hadn't made it.  I would have been disappointed.  It would have sucked really, really hardcore.  I'd have beaten myself up pretty hard for not training as hard at the end as I should have.  But it would have been okay. 

But I am SOOO glad I didn't fail.

Somebody along the route had a sign that said "26.2 will change your life."  And now that I'm a few days out and able to walk normally again, I'm sitting here wondering exactly how this has or will change my life.  I can't say it hasn't changed things.  And maybe it's just that this whole training process has slowly changed how I approach and look at things, and that's why it doesn't seem so huge and significant to me.  Not that I'm not really, really proud of myself.  But the thing about the marathon is that you build up to it, spend months preparing for it, and on race day it's a matter of pushing just a bit harder and just a bit farther.  It's not about that one day on the race course, it's about months of little pushes, little changes, little challenges.  I suppose that's rather deep and metaphorical, huh?

So, now what?  For now I'm hopping back on the weight loss wagon and focusing on our upcoming wedding.  And as long as Kourt wants to run, I'll be right there with her.  It'll be nice to have a running partner.  She wants to try some shorter races and work her way up instead of doing it the batshit crazy way like I did.  And now that I've gotten a taste of racing, I'm pretty excited about trying some shorter distances for fun.  So I'm not done with this blog.  I crossed one finish line, but there are more to come.